Look out below!

Where do I begin. Alright, so you've heard the saying, fell off the wagon, right? Apparently it originated back in the 1800s, over a proposed alcohol ban. Basically, those who were sober were said to be on the wagon; the wagon referring to a water cart used to hose down dirty roads. Those with self control would seek out the cart for a refreshing drink of H20, and those who were unsuccessful at kicking the booze habit...well you know the rest. Why is it so hard to admit failure. Is it because we start off with the best intentions? I told myself from the very beginning of this journey, and this blog, that I would not beat myself up for "falling off the wagon", but the problem is that I think it was something more along the lines of me jumping off. I bailed. I began with so much motivation and so many high hopes, but life got in the way. To give myself some credit, I didn't anticipate starting a new job (part time as it may be) or having my sweet baby turn into a toddler/monster with two heads overnight, or any of the other countless things that this year has seemed to throw my way. So that must be it! I didn't fall off the wagon and I didn't jump, no I was pushed! Life pushed me off! If only it were as simple as it was back in grade school when we could blame our own shortcomings on the other kid. So, where does this leave me, aside from on the ground flat on my back and dumb founded? Well don't you have to hit rock bottom before you can truly move ahead. Perhaps that's where I am at. Or perhaps, I will fall again. One of my favorite quotes has always been, fall seven times, stand up eight. Honestly, where I am right now, is the place were getting up is not something I feel capable of doing. I have resorted back to my old way of thinking and most days, good tasting food, or that glass of wine is the only thing keeping me sane. So, for now, and just for now, I am going to stay down here and take a few breaths before I get back up on that wagon again. Does this mean I am not going to be writing this blog? No, in fact the plan is to write even more than before, only this time I will be writing about much more than food. I am going to share the person behind the food. Perhaps by doing this, I will find the reason I jumped off the wagon and find the strength to climb back on. Until next time...

Living and learning

Hello all! I can hardly believe it has been just over a month since my last entry. Time has been flying by and I have been one busy girl. Aside from the holidays, my direct sales business is in it's busiest time and life in general has been several times more hectic than the norm. I have also decided to start back to work, at least part time, beginning in January. This was a decision that was not easy to make, because I love being at home with my daughter, however sometimes you just know something is the right choice and there was no denying that this opportunity fell into my lap and was everything it should be. I am 100% confident it is the right thing to do and I am ready for it. I have to say though, and yes this is a definite excuse, that because all of the above mentioned occurrences, I have not been making great diet choices. I have not failed completely, partially due to the fact that I decided when I started this that the only way to fail would be to not try, and I have tried. I have worked out, although it has not been as consistent as it should be, and I have made some changes to my daily eating habits. I have found some snacks that curb my bad food urges and help me to be satisfied without feeling guilty afterwards. I would like to share a few of my favorites with you. I tend to crave three main tastes, which include salty, sweet and chocolate (yes, although sweet, chocolate does get it's own category.) My new salty fix consists of raw sugar snap peas with a small amount of light ranch dressing for dipping. It offers just the right amount of crunch and the ranch helps provides a salty touch. Another salty choice I have been turning to lately are salted almonds. They keep you full for a long time too. Next my sweet tooth has been sufficed by yoplait yogurt in the many dessert flavors available (key lime pie is my current fav.) I have also been keeping a pack of dessert flavored gum around. They even make a mint chocolate flavor! Lastly is my most tempting treat, chocolate, and to help keep me on the right track I have been eating nutella on anything I can think of. Whether it be a piece of toast, a piece of celery or just some wheat thins, it does the trick. And for a special treat, I will make a chocolate pudding pie with lite cool whip and sugar free pudding. Mix it and pour it into a graham cracker crust and voila! I still have moments where nothing else will do, but a juicy cheeseburger and fries, or that creamy chocolate milkshake, ok I really need to stop, but I am trying and I have lost a couple pounds, so that is encouraging. So, until we chat again, keep your chin up and don't let the many holiday celebrations looming about beat you down. Fill those festive plates with healthier choices. However, allow yourself to indulge a little (that way when I do, I won't feel quite so bad.) And perhaps next year a pair of skinny jeans will be on your list to Santa- Merry Christmas!

Recovering junk food junkie revelation

Junk food and I have always had a love/hate relationship. I love it and it hates me (specifically my thighs.) While I have never been the type to buy a ton of "bad" food at the store, because I know myself too well, and I know it would be gone in a day, I do allow myself little splurges here and there and I tend to buy a select few of these indulgent items each week. Today I found myself, in the midst of my new healthy lifestyle challenge, craving and even obsessing over every item in this category. Even the things I have had in my cabinets for some time and not even been interested in consuming. Suddenly anything that would not be approved by Dr. Oz himself was peeking its ugly head around the kitchen door and saying "You know you want me, but you can't have me." Why do we always want what we can't have? Could it be the fact that it is a certain time of month? Or possibly that I was stressed to the max today and food has always been my go to quick fix? Whatever the reason, something hit me, it is not that I can't have them. I am perfectly capable of walking in there and giving into those mocking hostess snack cakes. What's stopping me? Or better yet, what will stop me. Will it be the voice saying, "You are a failure if you quit?" Will it be my own strength? Will it be my determination to be an example to my daughter? How about saying a prayer for self control. The answer is all of the above and one fairly obvious choice- not buying these tempting treats. If it is not in my home, then I am much less likely to fail, right? So, am I saying I am never again going to be able to allow myself melt in your mouth, man made, artery clogging self satisfying food? Of course I will not go the rest of my life without having a scrumptious snack a time or two, that would be insane! However I have to know my own strength and right now I am not strong. I am hungry and weak and hungry! Did I mention hungry? And before you tell me that health food can be satisfying, please know that this is not the kind of hunger that can be filled with anything, except junk food. Well, until now that is. Things are changing and my days of needing comfort food are coming to an end. I want to get to the point of being able to eat something, because I want to and not because I feel I have to. So, for now, I think it is best to end my relationship with all junk food. I have to be realistic and work on realizing my limits. If I was able to do this I wouldn't be where I am now. I can get there though, and above all I need to remember that I choose to change. I can choose to not care or to give in at any point in time, but I won't. I can do this!

The waiting game

After months, ok if I am being honest years, of saying, "I'll start eating better and working out again after..." the day for change has finally arrived. The dot, dot, dot part has been too many things to list. It may have been a get together with friends, a holiday, a stressful event, or so many others. I have used every reason I could think of to not change. The one that started it all was the...after I am pregnant excuse. I started gaining weight before I even conceived. I had the mentality that if I was going to get huge anyways why even keep trying? What I didn't anticipate was it taking a whole year to get pregnant. Then of course during my pregnancy I ate anything that didn't say, do not consume, on the label. Now, let me clear one thing up, I am not extremely overweight. I have always had a pretty good metabolism and I am a tall girl. Weight was never an issue with me until my early twenties. It was then that I realized that I couldn't eat a whole bag of chips in one sitting anymore without seeing changes in my body. Another side note I will share with you is that I used to be addicted to exercising too. I loved working out and I loved my body (and yes, even the way it looked in skinny jeans.) I now realize that no matter how good I looked or what that scale said, I was still not making great decisions about what I put in my body and therefore I was not "healthy." However, now, not only am I not eating what I should be, but I am also not working out regularly and therefore I am the most unhappy with my self image I have ever been. It is time to stop waiting. I want to be healthy and I want to be a good example to my daughter. Starting today. That also means not becoming obsessed about what I look like. I need to accept that I have had a baby and I will never again have my old body back. Instead, I will have a new improved womanly shape and I will learn to embrace it, curves and all. However, the only way to love your body is to love yourself and that's the hardest part. I want to make a lot of changes in my life. Some of my other issues may spill over into this blog. This is because everything I do and face in my day to day life, impacts this goal I am setting. I think writing this blog will help motivate me and give me an outlet for the frustrations along the way. This will be a long road, because it will hopefully be the rest of my life, and road blocks are bound to appear along the way, however I know I can handle whatever may come. Lastly let me just address the name I choose for this blog, The skinny jean diaries; it does not mean that this blog will be all about me and my mission to wear them (although I do have a pair hanging in my closet that I hope to again put on with pride), but it is about my mission to conquer them. I will stare them in the face and say, you don't scare me skinny jeans, because instead of representing failure, they will represent a fight. I choose to try and I will not give up.